you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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