New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize