I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
