Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
