its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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