the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
