In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it glows. i had to have it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
