you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
