Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
