Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
