I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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