Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's just like the Real World with babies
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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