im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO