Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.