apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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