tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
