When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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