Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You've changed since you got that strap on
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