Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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