First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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