I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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