ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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