Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
