we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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