planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
50% drunk capacity currently
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
