Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
