i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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