omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
