I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
