I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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