Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
