I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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