My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
