Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
