Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
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Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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