I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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