btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
accomplished twins. life is a go
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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