you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
