i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
