Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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