Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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