I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
