an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
