I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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