first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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