Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well you can't waste a boner
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
