I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
