were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
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