just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
