You work out of a Hotel?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
