Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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