i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
