i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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