just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
