Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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