I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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