I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
