I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
