She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
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You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
did i just pee glitter
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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