the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
