if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
