No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
