I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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